Hey

Hey there. I know it's been a while since you've heard from me. I'm sorry. It's been a hectic year.

I'll cut to the chase: My mom lost her battle with Cancer back in late July. I know it's mid-September, but I admit I'm still having a hard time coping. 

It's been tough. I didn't grow up with my mom; our dynamic was kinda warped from the beginning. I didn't get to have the experience of growing up with a mother actively around. Though she tried and made herself a part of my life as best as she possibly could, it was still strained. By the time I got out of high school, I could see her as much as I wanted. She moved to Illinois and we started over. We renewed our relationship as mother and daughter. It was tough at first; I was bogged with so much resentment and confusion. I know it wasn't easy for her, either. But with time, we developed a healthy relationship. 

She was diagnosed with lung and liver cancer July of 2015. She fought so hard and kept believing she could win. In November, she relapsed and was given two months maximum. She lived 8 more months than they diagnosed, that's 6 more months than originally predicted. She still fought hard. 

I finally got her back in my life, and then I lose her for good. I really don't know what else to say.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I try to draw, but I'm never satisfied. Why should I try? I try to make stained glass, but I can't. I can't create. Honestly, I don't know why I'm still here. I don't know why I'm still getting up in the morning. I have nothing to offer. Why do I continue to go on? I don't know. Honestly, I should probably just give up.

I'm sorry.